I’ve never understood suffering. After listened to the woman I met this morning, I asked myself ‘Will I ever understand at all?’ The pain and hardships…
Sometimes, I do feel like I am the worst person in the world, or rather the worst daughter that any parents can have. Not that I do not want to do anything in the house, well, maybe I don’t. It is the trait that is hard for me to break. A trait that I wish I have never have. I am not sure if I am even trying to change, maybe I don’t. But if I am not trying to change, why do I feel bad?
Every parent deserves to have daughters that are helpful in the house. Daughters like my sisters maybe. They are proud of my sisters, because they help around. My mother said that. Me? Well, I am always busy with lots of meetings and other stuff. And that annoys my parents really. I feel bad for them sometimes, I didn’t want to burden them but I have to admit that I am young and there are many opportunities for me out there and I feel that it is my responsibility.
I have a commitment that maybe my parents will never understand, even if you try to make them understand. I can’t blame them, because when they were in their 30s, they already had a family. That was their commitment. I am in my 30s and I do not have my own family yet. I am still living with my parents because I cannot afford to live outside on my own. So basically, I am still depending on my parents. Which I think is sucks.
I have resolved to make some changes once in a while. For example, I won’t tell them that I will have meeting at night. Just help whatever I can, once the time comes I just leave home. It doesn’t matter if I have dinner or not. I don’t really care about that. Milo and crackers are good enough for me once I am back from the meeting.
However, I am not sure if that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially my dad. He is a very sensitive guy. He loves to cook and it annoys him if we refused to eat the dish he cooked. I have to clean the dishes before I leave though. So which means I cannot leave until we finish the dinner. The problem is, Dad always cook late and if I don’t tell him, I will always be late for the meeting. And if I do tell him, he is always rushing and everybody will be unhappy.
I wanted to clean the house before going to work, and that is always a problem because I cannot wake up early.
It is because if these problems I am facing, I decided that I should stop trying at all. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything.
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss especially when it could actually save you from embarrassment. But it could also put other people in a very awkward and uncomfortable position. I was at the airport two weeks ago, waiting for my flight to come home to Sibu from Kuala Lumpur. I was at departure hall and I happened to sit beside a man.
Nothing unusual about it, we were trying to do our own stuff. I was trying to write my speech because I had a speech competition few days later. He with his earphones on, minding his business. I had just started writing when the guy beside me started singing. This guy was listening to the music and I think the music was so loud he could not hear himself singing.
It was awful. Now I thought at first, no problem, let him sing, but few minutes later, I could not take it anymore. Obviously, I could not go on, so I stopped writing, tried to calm myself down. I told myself, ‘don’t… don’t… don’t… do not laugh!” I am easily amused by some little things. And that was not little thing. And to make it worse… I am a very curious person. So I decided to take a good look of that guy, I regretted it immediately. He was bobbing his head, oblivious to the people around him.
I did not know why I still chose to sit there. I realised it has become an emergency. I need music… loud music. I struggled to take my earphones from my bag. And my earphones are always entangled. It took few seconds to untangle the thing and I don’t have songs in my phone. I only listen to Spotify. I opened my Spotify. ‘Sorry, your homepage is offline’.
No worries.. no worries… YouTube… but the connection was so bad. Took ages for it to load. At this point, I was already smiling. Then came my last solution…opened my Whatsapp and pretended that I read funny messages.
I woke up today with a annoying sound of my dogs barking. It was the usual thing every morning as Mum let them out to play. Usually it is annoying, but I did not particularly mind it. Today, my body was stiff and tired. Had been like this for few days. The dogs barked at 630am. I should not be getting up for another one hour, are you kidding me! But the tiredness made it easier to go back to bed and I did.
Forty five minutes later, I woke up. Check my Whatsapp and Facebook. About 20 messages on Whatsapp and two notifications on Facebook. Alright. Nothing important. I didn’t want to get up until 740am. I had to get up, it was 740am! Took a shower and got change.
I browsed through YouTube and I saw Britain Got Talent ‘wow, first ever magician to show real magic trick’. I tap on it and right in the middle of the video, I was crying. Once I finished, I wiped my tears away, waited till my eyes colour back to normal then I went to the dining room and had my breakfast, pretending that nothing has happened. But something had just happened in my heart. In my soul. Are you kidding me? A magic trick that brought me to tears. That is real magic. But the real lesson was, that life is so unpredictable. But we can make it beautiful. So beautiful that one day we can wow ourselves and other people.
All those mundane lives, those annoying little things, who doesn’t have it? But are we able to see it in a different way?
Okay, before I proceed, just to let you know, I accidentally deleted the things I wrote here. I didn’t know how it happened, but it happened very fast. So, I had to retype it. It was not a good day for me, particularly tonight. You will know it later.
So, today marks the 15th day of Chinese New Year, also a final day of New Year. 15 days gone, just like that. People got off work early today, just for the celebration; good food, firecrackers, fireworks, and maybe listening to Chinese New Year song for the last time this year. For me, I posted the video of pupils dancing to ‘Everyday is a good day’ song on Instagram.
Tua Pek Kong temple was once again filled with worshippers causing traffic congestion. It wasn’t their fault though, they had to fulfil their duties; give thanks for the things that happened for the past 15 days and to ask for blessings throughout this year.
I planned to celebrate it with my family tonight, but it didn’t go as planned because I had a dinner at a restaurant tonight. I wasn’t looking forward to go, not because I wished to be with my family at home and celebrate with them, but because I was fighting flu. I wasn’t feeling so well.
Nevertheless, I had to go there with an open heart and positivity. I went there with such great spirit, but met with disappointment. You see, there were three of us in the initial plan. Three of us agreed to attend because nobody else wanted to attend. None of them showed up. I was disappointed because I felt like I’ve been left alone. Now, I was trying to be a baby or to give in to self pity, but I wasn’t particularly comfortable sitting at a table full of strangers. I wasn’t good in meeting new people.
So, I need my teammates with me! I just could not enjoy my meals and yes, I left after the second dish because I felt stupid and because I was feeling very tired and quite sick. I think, if one of them was there, I would feel better. But yes, I was quite sick, so I decided to go home and it was already 9pm! We had just finished our second dish!
I left with disappointment but at the same time relieve that I had left. I could breathe the air again! I went for a slice of pizza and went home. There went the last day of CNY celebration. Slowly my disappointment slipped away and I listened to ‘Everyday Is A Good Day’ many times. I tried to sing along too. It didn’t matter what happened tonight, I am still living.
This is the lent season, and for us catholic, it is a season of fasting and penance. Every lent season always remind me of one thing (apart from Jesus’ passion and death). It reminds me of my first fasting experience. Now, I never fast except for Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. That was the first time I decided to fast because I was inspired by my roommate. Every lent season she will turn into vegetarian for 40 days and she never fail.
So, I thought, since I had a roommate who is a catholic, I could fast with her. I took it up and told the people in the kitchen that I will be vegetarian for 40 days. I had my dining card stamped as vegetarian. No escape this time.
First day was fine, I was pretty excited, my first day went without any difficulties. I thought this was easy, 40 days might be a piece a cake for me.
Second day, fine. Third day, okay, I could feel a little pinch; fourth day, the pinch was getting painful; the fifth day, my body was craving for meat; sixth day, I felt angry; seventh day, I went to the KFC.
That was heaven!!! I enjoyed the chicken so much that when I finished it, I immediately felt regret. I went back to the hostel, I told my roommate what happened…
“You did what??!!” She asked, I could feel the bitter and disappointment in her voice. Maybe a little shock too.
“I went to the KFC and ate the chicken” I said, with greatest regret.
“Because it is chicken! I could not stand it!”
“Why did you do that? You should resist it!”
“You’ve done it for a week. Why did you give up? You have 33 days left!”
“Thirty three days!!! I don’t know if I can survive 33 days!” I said it, still could not imagine that I had to fast that long. But I knew I had to do it
“So, what do I do now?” I asked.
“What to do now? Start over. Failing one day, doesn’t mean you stop it all together. You have 33 days left, start fasting again. This time ask God for strength, you own strength will fail you, but God won’t” She pointed out.
I listened to her advice and started fasting again. And truly, this time I did it with great determination. Since that day, I struggled, but not as much as I first started. I started to pray more as I fast daily.
I survived that 40 days.
Hello! I will just go straight to the point here. I have decided to do daily blog from now on. It is a big commitment for me. I do not know whether I can do it, but I will do it. 2018 is going to be a year for me to start doing things. You see, I have this blog for quite a few years now and I posted entries on and off. And I thought, I should not do this anymore. When I first started, my attention was to share my thoughts and experiences to the world. Things that mean a lot to me. I am not sure if I am offering valuable insights to the world. All the blog posts that posted do offer me better insights especially on myself and I learn to be a better person. I learn to express myself better. I also learn to share things on the things I’ve always believed in. My adventure stories…I love the stories. If i hadn’t start blog, I would not know how beautiful they are. I would only have pictures to tell the story.
So, why do it daily? I thought, if I really need to learn to express and to offer more, I should make it an effort. In fact great effort. It will not be easy; juggling between works and other things I am doing. But, I should do this. I had been thinking about this, and I think it is time. I do not have the strongest English in the world, I made mistakes here and there, but I should take the opportunity to be brave and learn.
So, for this daily blog, it will be in the form of stories like the posts in this blog or it will be in the form of photographs and some stories or captions (as you can also see in this blog) or in the form of reflections.
My hope for you is that you will like it.