The Thing About Life

The thing about life is this… it is so mysterious and so beautiful that you need to be alive to experience it and see it.  It is not like living in a dream, but more than that.  It is with the sense of transcendence.  Funny, because my life right now is all about frustration.  Sometimes I do feel stupid, like this morning for example.  I realised, I am so stupid that I feel so stupid (Does that make sense?).  Sometimes, I wonder, why wasn’t I born with such intelligence and wisdom.  Okay, I know that not everybody has wisdom; some have knowledge but no widsom.  I hope that is not me.  Well, mine is worse, I don’t have a lot of knowledge and lacking in wisdom.

Like right now, I am should go to sleep now.  It’s late and tomorrow I need to go to work but I am still writing this blog, because inspiration just came through.  Or rather, I just need to express myself, after a long of absence.  Where have I been, no where, I am just here, trying to make a difference for myself and hopefully for others as well.  But, I am just a nobody, so, some people doesn’t take me seriously.

Yet, with all these troubles and frustrations, I strive to feel alive in my everyday living.  Living a life that is fully alive is indeed a glory to God.  It is indeed allowing God to bless our lives.  I don’t have to always know or understand what life is about.  I won’t understand all of it.  But, that does not stop me from striving to understand more about life.  I mean without it, will life has meaning.  Of course it will!  But, it can make a huge difference because I am finding who I am.  Then, I would dare to step into the unknown and who knows, discover something about myself that I didn’t know it existed.  How wonderful it would be.

Oh life… the reality is bitter, but the fruits are sweet.  How magnificent.

 

(PS: Just speaking on top of my head…)

I Can’t Keep Trying

Sometimes, I do feel like I am the worst person in the world, or rather the worst daughter that any parents can have. Not that I do not want to do anything in the house, well, maybe I don’t. It is the trait that is hard for me to break. A trait that I wish I have never have. I am not sure if I am even trying to change, maybe I don’t. But if I am not trying to change, why do I feel bad?

Every parent deserves to have daughters that are helpful in the house. Daughters like my sisters maybe. They are proud of my sisters, because they help around. My mother said that. Me? Well, I am always busy with lots of meetings and other stuff. And that annoys my parents really. I feel bad for them sometimes, I didn’t want to burden them but I have to admit that I am young and there are many opportunities for me out there and I feel that it is my responsibility.

I have a commitment that maybe my parents will never understand, even if you try to make them understand. I can’t blame them, because when they were in their 30s, they already had a family. That was their commitment. I am in my 30s and I do not have my own family yet. I am still living with my parents because I cannot afford to live outside on my own. So basically, I am still depending on my parents. Which I think is sucks.

I have resolved to make some changes once in a while. For example, I won’t tell them that I will have meeting at night. Just help whatever I can, once the time comes I just leave home. It doesn’t matter if I have dinner or not. I don’t really care about that. Milo and crackers are good enough for me once I am back from the meeting.

However, I am not sure if that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially my dad. He is a very sensitive guy. He loves to cook and it annoys him if we refused to eat the dish he cooked. I have to clean the dishes before I leave though. So which means I cannot leave until we finish the dinner. The problem is, Dad always cook late and if I don’t tell him, I will always be late for the meeting. And if I do tell him, he is always rushing and everybody will be unhappy.

I wanted to clean the house before going to work, and that is always a problem because I cannot wake up early.

It is because if these problems I am facing, I decided that I should stop trying at all. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything.

NY Celebration

Okay, before I proceed, just to let you know, I accidentally deleted the things I wrote here. I didn’t know how it happened, but it happened very fast. So, I had to retype it. It was not a good day for me, particularly tonight. You will know it later.

So, today marks the 15th day of Chinese New Year, also a final day of New Year. 15 days gone, just like that. People got off work early today, just for the celebration; good food, firecrackers, fireworks, and maybe listening to Chinese New Year song for the last time this year. For me, I posted the video of pupils dancing to ‘Everyday is a good day’ song on Instagram.

Tua Pek Kong temple was once again filled with worshippers causing traffic congestion. It wasn’t their fault though, they had to fulfil their duties; give thanks for the things that happened for the past 15 days and to ask for blessings throughout this year.

I planned to celebrate it with my family tonight, but it didn’t go as planned because I had a dinner at a restaurant tonight. I wasn’t looking forward to go, not because I wished to be with my family at home and celebrate with them, but because I was fighting flu. I wasn’t feeling so well.

Nevertheless, I had to go there with an open heart and positivity. I went there with such great spirit, but met with disappointment. You see, there were three of us in the initial plan. Three of us agreed to attend because nobody else wanted to attend. None of them showed up. I was disappointed because I felt like I’ve been left alone. Now, I was trying to be a baby or to give in to self pity, but I wasn’t particularly comfortable sitting at a table full of strangers. I wasn’t good in meeting new people.

So, I need my teammates with me! I just could not enjoy my meals and yes, I left after the second dish because I felt stupid and because I was feeling very tired and quite sick. I think, if one of them was there, I would feel better. But yes, I was quite sick, so I decided to go home and it was already 9pm! We had just finished our second dish!

I left with disappointment but at the same time relieve that I had left. I could breathe the air again! I went for a slice of pizza and went home. There went the last day of CNY celebration. Slowly my disappointment slipped away and I listened to ‘Everyday Is A Good Day’ many times. I tried to sing along too. It didn’t matter what happened tonight, I am still living.

Here’s To The Daily Blog

Hello!  I will just go straight to the point here.  I have decided to do daily blog from now on.  It is a big commitment for me.  I do not know whether I can do it, but I will do it.   2018 is going to be a year for me to start doing things.  You see, I have this blog for quite a few years now and I posted entries on and off.  And I thought, I should not do this anymore.  When I first started, my attention was to share my thoughts and experiences to the world.  Things that mean a lot to me.  I am not sure if I am offering valuable insights to the world.  All the blog posts that posted do offer me better insights especially on myself and I learn to be a better person.  I learn to express myself better.  I also learn to share things on the things I’ve always believed in.  My adventure stories…I love the stories.  If i hadn’t start blog, I would not know how beautiful they are.  I would only have pictures to tell the story.

So, why do it daily?  I thought, if I really need to learn to express and to offer more, I should make it an effort.  In fact great effort.  It will not be easy; juggling between works and other things I am doing.  But, I should do this.  I had been thinking about this, and I think it is time.  I do not have the strongest English in the world, I made mistakes here and there, but I should take the opportunity to be brave and learn.

So, for this daily blog, it will be in the form of stories like the posts in this blog or it will be in the form of photographs and some stories or captions (as you can also see in this blog) or in the form of reflections.

My hope for you is that you will like it.

 

 

Gone Chances

I meant to write this three years ago.  My grandmother passed away that year, how I regretted many things.

I thought there were plenty of times for everything. Plenty of times to make out the time we had lost due to differences, misunderstanding, pain, anger, and lies. Plenty of time to get to know and to understand her – maybe her pain as well. I thought I had plenty of time to make new memories with her too – forgetting all brokenness due to anger and lies. I did not know that it could happen so soon. In fact, too soon.

Three years ago in August, grandma came home to stay with us for good.  She had been sick; pale, weak and very thin.  I didn’t expect her to see her at this state.  I wasn’t too happy about her coming back, but I knew it was about time to make out for the lost time.  Just seven months ago, I made that decision to forgive her. It wasn’t the hardest decision I made, but it was the most painful one. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life hating her, I wanted to love her, because she deserved to be loved, just as I deserved to be loved.

My grandmother and I shared the same name.  Elizabeth.  That was her baptism name, and my confirmation name.  Other than that, we shared nothing in common.  From what I know little about grandmother, she lived a hard life, and most of the time a painful one. I didn’t know when was the time she was really happy, probably she never did.  Her past was the reason of her brokenness, her brokenness was the reason of my anger.  She was never the grandmother I wish to have.  I wanted a loving grandmother, not a broken one.  I thought she had never loved us.

But, grandmother, she wanted everyone to be happy but I did not know whether she wanted happiness herself.  Dad made effort to give the happiness she deserved.  I tried, but failed.  Barely two months since she moved in with us, she passed away and we were left in disbelief. I thought maybe we could have another few years. After all, she was a strong person.  Dad had a great dream for her.  To move in our new house that Dad built himself; from his own money.  That did not came true.  And grandmother knew it all along, and it was the first time, I believed she was proud of us.

In her passing, I realised she did love us.  I was too blind to see and to understand it.

Hatred and Revenge

The worst thing that could have ever happened to someone is probably losing one’s dignity.  The worst thing that someone could have done is probably crushing somebody’s dignity.  It was bad enough for her to be handcuffed, it was bad enough for her not to be able to see his little boy, it was bad enough for her to listen to the accusation against her everyday.  She could not really decide what was the worst thing for her; to be rejected or to listen to the piercing harassment against her.  She could not lift up her face to see the people who were once her family, now an enemy.  What has hatred and revenge ever accomplished? Will it ever satisfy your souls?

Torn In Two

I am torn in two,

Because of you, I am torn in two,

You came into my life, can I pretend I don’t care?

Your brokenness is more than my heart can bear,

You don’t care, you don’t care, that’s what I felt,

I wonder if you really want any help,

Oh! help me, because it hurts,

Patience tested, it hit my head on the dirt.

Unless you want your past to mend,

This darkness will not end,

Unless it became a battle to fight,

You’ll never see the light,