The Thing About Life

The thing about life is this… it is so mysterious and so beautiful that you need to be alive to experience it and see it.  It is not like living in a dream, but more than that.  It is with the sense of transcendence.  Funny, because my life right now is all about frustration.  Sometimes I do feel stupid, like this morning for example.  I realised, I am so stupid that I feel so stupid (Does that make sense?).  Sometimes, I wonder, why wasn’t I born with such intelligence and wisdom.  Okay, I know that not everybody has wisdom; some have knowledge but no widsom.  I hope that is not me.  Well, mine is worse, I don’t have a lot of knowledge and lacking in wisdom.

Like right now, I am should go to sleep now.  It’s late and tomorrow I need to go to work but I am still writing this blog, because inspiration just came through.  Or rather, I just need to express myself, after a long of absence.  Where have I been, no where, I am just here, trying to make a difference for myself and hopefully for others as well.  But, I am just a nobody, so, some people doesn’t take me seriously.

Yet, with all these troubles and frustrations, I strive to feel alive in my everyday living.  Living a life that is fully alive is indeed a glory to God.  It is indeed allowing God to bless our lives.  I don’t have to always know or understand what life is about.  I won’t understand all of it.  But, that does not stop me from striving to understand more about life.  I mean without it, will life has meaning.  Of course it will!  But, it can make a huge difference because I am finding who I am.  Then, I would dare to step into the unknown and who knows, discover something about myself that I didn’t know it existed.  How wonderful it would be.

Oh life… the reality is bitter, but the fruits are sweet.  How magnificent.

 

(PS: Just speaking on top of my head…)

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I Can’t Keep Trying

Sometimes, I do feel like I am the worst person in the world, or rather the worst daughter that any parents can have. Not that I do not want to do anything in the house, well, maybe I don’t. It is the trait that is hard for me to break. A trait that I wish I have never have. I am not sure if I am even trying to change, maybe I don’t. But if I am not trying to change, why do I feel bad?

Every parent deserves to have daughters that are helpful in the house. Daughters like my sisters maybe. They are proud of my sisters, because they help around. My mother said that. Me? Well, I am always busy with lots of meetings and other stuff. And that annoys my parents really. I feel bad for them sometimes, I didn’t want to burden them but I have to admit that I am young and there are many opportunities for me out there and I feel that it is my responsibility.

I have a commitment that maybe my parents will never understand, even if you try to make them understand. I can’t blame them, because when they were in their 30s, they already had a family. That was their commitment. I am in my 30s and I do not have my own family yet. I am still living with my parents because I cannot afford to live outside on my own. So basically, I am still depending on my parents. Which I think is sucks.

I have resolved to make some changes once in a while. For example, I won’t tell them that I will have meeting at night. Just help whatever I can, once the time comes I just leave home. It doesn’t matter if I have dinner or not. I don’t really care about that. Milo and crackers are good enough for me once I am back from the meeting.

However, I am not sure if that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially my dad. He is a very sensitive guy. He loves to cook and it annoys him if we refused to eat the dish he cooked. I have to clean the dishes before I leave though. So which means I cannot leave until we finish the dinner. The problem is, Dad always cook late and if I don’t tell him, I will always be late for the meeting. And if I do tell him, he is always rushing and everybody will be unhappy.

I wanted to clean the house before going to work, and that is always a problem because I cannot wake up early.

It is because if these problems I am facing, I decided that I should stop trying at all. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything.

NY Celebration

Okay, before I proceed, just to let you know, I accidentally deleted the things I wrote here. I didn’t know how it happened, but it happened very fast. So, I had to retype it. It was not a good day for me, particularly tonight. You will know it later.

So, today marks the 15th day of Chinese New Year, also a final day of New Year. 15 days gone, just like that. People got off work early today, just for the celebration; good food, firecrackers, fireworks, and maybe listening to Chinese New Year song for the last time this year. For me, I posted the video of pupils dancing to ‘Everyday is a good day’ song on Instagram.

Tua Pek Kong temple was once again filled with worshippers causing traffic congestion. It wasn’t their fault though, they had to fulfil their duties; give thanks for the things that happened for the past 15 days and to ask for blessings throughout this year.

I planned to celebrate it with my family tonight, but it didn’t go as planned because I had a dinner at a restaurant tonight. I wasn’t looking forward to go, not because I wished to be with my family at home and celebrate with them, but because I was fighting flu. I wasn’t feeling so well.

Nevertheless, I had to go there with an open heart and positivity. I went there with such great spirit, but met with disappointment. You see, there were three of us in the initial plan. Three of us agreed to attend because nobody else wanted to attend. None of them showed up. I was disappointed because I felt like I’ve been left alone. Now, I was trying to be a baby or to give in to self pity, but I wasn’t particularly comfortable sitting at a table full of strangers. I wasn’t good in meeting new people.

So, I need my teammates with me! I just could not enjoy my meals and yes, I left after the second dish because I felt stupid and because I was feeling very tired and quite sick. I think, if one of them was there, I would feel better. But yes, I was quite sick, so I decided to go home and it was already 9pm! We had just finished our second dish!

I left with disappointment but at the same time relieve that I had left. I could breathe the air again! I went for a slice of pizza and went home. There went the last day of CNY celebration. Slowly my disappointment slipped away and I listened to ‘Everyday Is A Good Day’ many times. I tried to sing along too. It didn’t matter what happened tonight, I am still living.

Why … Oh … Why?

Sometimes frustration can lead us to do things we should not do or to say things we should not say. Whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally, the result always leads to hurts and pain of another person and distrusts towards us. The aftermath of it normally leaves us with regrets, if our conscious is right. Just few days ago, I might have offended someone. What it seemed to be a joke, I might had gone too far. I tried to comfort myself that I didn’t do any harm or offended that person; the problem was that person. He could not take a joke. I was being rational, my intention was to have fun. But I have to admit, I was a little annoyed with his joke, so I shot the joke back at him. It seemed fair. However, whether or not he could take the joke, damage has been done. Now, it is no longer ‘he just take things too seriously’ or ‘he could not take the joke?’ I started to realise, I could’ve just shut my freaking mouth and smile!

I apologised. I did! Because my conscious said I must. To some, it might seemed unnecessary, because ‘The problem is not you, it is him… why do you need apologise?’ It was my duty, it was something I needed to do, I could not go against my conscious. That should’ve give me a peace of mind. It did, but not for long. It bugged me. It kept bugging me because I don’t know whether he accepted my apology. He didn’t even want to talk to me.

Woman In An Abandoned House

Madam Tiong wore a bedraggled cloth living at a dilapidated house, not far from the town.  It was used to be a home.  That was more than 10 years ago.  People said Madam Tiong was mentally-challenged, others who knew her said she had always been like this.  The house, which she lived was abandoned.  There was nothing but a mattress, few dirty clothes, few pails, some cooking utensils, a fire place for cooking, if she cooked.  She did not live alone; she had a companion.  A white dog, without any given name.  Cute and tiny female dog.  She did very well in protecting her owner though.  She barked at strangers, but she knew the bad from good.  She belonged inside the house.

There was not much in the house.  The door was not locked and it was never locked.  The door was made of a rusty zinc roof.  The stairs were so steep that it could actually be a ladder than a staircase.  The way to the house was to climb up; same thing to go down.  Wooden floor could have seen better days.  Somebody must had steal those woods because some parts of the floor were missing.

Upon entering the house, on the right what used to be a kitchen and a dining room, now filled with all kinds of junks.  Rusty and broken pots, a stove somewhere, plastics, poops.  Part of the walls were already gone.  Up there was a leaking roof.  There was a toilet bowl just in front of the entrance door.  Squatting one.  Not the kind of the bowl with water and flush in it.  This bowl has a hole that looked straight the grass below.  It was not front door after all, it was a bathroom.  The floor looked like it was about to collapse anytime.  There were pictures of her ancestors towards the end of the house.  Could hardly believe the empty space was a living room before.  Inside her bedroom, there were some instant noodles, can food, biscuits, eggs, rice and many other things.  All donated.  There on her bedroom wall, just behind the door was her wedding picture.

Oh yes, she was a married woman.  Her husband got sick a year ago and died.  The house was in fact her husband’s.  Her husband used to work odd jobs and was a lazy man.  The neighbours knew the couple very well and nobody liked them.  They used to steal chicken and vegetables from the neighbours.  Now that the husband had died, they looked on her with pity.  Every day, they allowed her to help harvest their vegetables; in return, she received free meals.  It was a good bargain for her.

Madam Tiong was rather a mysterious woman.  Long time ago, she was a wealthy woman, as people said.  They said she was married twice and had two children of her own.  One she gave up for adoption and one she threw him at the river.  The baby drowned.  Nobody knew why she did that, and the family rejected her ever since.  Nobody knew the authenticity of the story, but people could say anything and believe anything these days.

Madam Tiong lived without water and electricity supply, but she loved to stay there nevertheless.  She did not mind taking her bath at the drain and the body smelled as if she needed a bath real bad.  No, she did not want to go to homes.  She was scared of being bullied.  She said she was being bullied before and she did not want that to happen anymore….