I Can’t Keep Trying

Sometimes, I do feel like I am the worst person in the world, or rather the worst daughter that any parents can have. Not that I do not want to do anything in the house, well, maybe I don’t. It is the trait that is hard for me to break. A trait that I wish I have never have. I am not sure if I am even trying to change, maybe I don’t. But if I am not trying to change, why do I feel bad?

Every parent deserves to have daughters that are helpful in the house. Daughters like my sisters maybe. They are proud of my sisters, because they help around. My mother said that. Me? Well, I am always busy with lots of meetings and other stuff. And that annoys my parents really. I feel bad for them sometimes, I didn’t want to burden them but I have to admit that I am young and there are many opportunities for me out there and I feel that it is my responsibility.

I have a commitment that maybe my parents will never understand, even if you try to make them understand. I can’t blame them, because when they were in their 30s, they already had a family. That was their commitment. I am in my 30s and I do not have my own family yet. I am still living with my parents because I cannot afford to live outside on my own. So basically, I am still depending on my parents. Which I think is sucks.

I have resolved to make some changes once in a while. For example, I won’t tell them that I will have meeting at night. Just help whatever I can, once the time comes I just leave home. It doesn’t matter if I have dinner or not. I don’t really care about that. Milo and crackers are good enough for me once I am back from the meeting.

However, I am not sure if that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially my dad. He is a very sensitive guy. He loves to cook and it annoys him if we refused to eat the dish he cooked. I have to clean the dishes before I leave though. So which means I cannot leave until we finish the dinner. The problem is, Dad always cook late and if I don’t tell him, I will always be late for the meeting. And if I do tell him, he is always rushing and everybody will be unhappy.

I wanted to clean the house before going to work, and that is always a problem because I cannot wake up early.

It is because if these problems I am facing, I decided that I should stop trying at all. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything.

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NY Celebration

Okay, before I proceed, just to let you know, I accidentally deleted the things I wrote here. I didn’t know how it happened, but it happened very fast. So, I had to retype it. It was not a good day for me, particularly tonight. You will know it later.

So, today marks the 15th day of Chinese New Year, also a final day of New Year. 15 days gone, just like that. People got off work early today, just for the celebration; good food, firecrackers, fireworks, and maybe listening to Chinese New Year song for the last time this year. For me, I posted the video of pupils dancing to ‘Everyday is a good day’ song on Instagram.

Tua Pek Kong temple was once again filled with worshippers causing traffic congestion. It wasn’t their fault though, they had to fulfil their duties; give thanks for the things that happened for the past 15 days and to ask for blessings throughout this year.

I planned to celebrate it with my family tonight, but it didn’t go as planned because I had a dinner at a restaurant tonight. I wasn’t looking forward to go, not because I wished to be with my family at home and celebrate with them, but because I was fighting flu. I wasn’t feeling so well.

Nevertheless, I had to go there with an open heart and positivity. I went there with such great spirit, but met with disappointment. You see, there were three of us in the initial plan. Three of us agreed to attend because nobody else wanted to attend. None of them showed up. I was disappointed because I felt like I’ve been left alone. Now, I was trying to be a baby or to give in to self pity, but I wasn’t particularly comfortable sitting at a table full of strangers. I wasn’t good in meeting new people.

So, I need my teammates with me! I just could not enjoy my meals and yes, I left after the second dish because I felt stupid and because I was feeling very tired and quite sick. I think, if one of them was there, I would feel better. But yes, I was quite sick, so I decided to go home and it was already 9pm! We had just finished our second dish!

I left with disappointment but at the same time relieve that I had left. I could breathe the air again! I went for a slice of pizza and went home. There went the last day of CNY celebration. Slowly my disappointment slipped away and I listened to ‘Everyday Is A Good Day’ many times. I tried to sing along too. It didn’t matter what happened tonight, I am still living.

My First Video Blog

So, I am trying something different.  I’ve always wanted to do a video blog.  I attempted few times, but I didn’t continue to do because i felt it was dumb, and I didn’t know what to say in front of a camera.  Anyways, this video blog is about a trip I went few weeks ago.  I love going to the longhouses, there you could find the friendliest people, I believe…you could ever met in your life.  I don’t get to travel very often nowadays, so one of those few trips really mean a lot to me.  I will be uploading more videos soon in my YouTube Channel.  I will share about my life.  Enjoy the video and at the mean time, feel free to check my posts in this blog.  I know i had not been very active lately, nevertheless, I am looking forward to upload more posts in this blog.

The World Is A Love Story

The world is a love story,

All things came to existence because love came,

Not complicated nor an unresolved mystery,

There is the lover, the beloved and the love they shared.

Love is where two souls meet,

The world stopped with a spark leading to nervousness and wonder,

Two people take on the centre stage, dancing on their feet,

The first day for the rest of their lives to be remembered.

And so it begins; the start of the three-act play,

Men to be heroes, women their strength,

No more me or I, but we on each passing day,

Walking together on the road unknown ahead.

Indeed, the heart will be tested along the way,

Lost as soon as the storm came out in the dark night,

Will two souls hang on to be committed and obey?

To make sure no love run dry.

One thing is for certain,

One could never go wrong with a total gift of self,

Both dying to themselves for the other person,

A value that seems lost in this generation.

Yes, there is indeed a love so strong,

Love that surpasses every description that world gives,

That always succumbs to its limitation and are lost,

A love that promised a sure victory.

It is always a love story in every written script,

Why throw it away? let it journey on,

Let love blooms and grow,

Yours are part of the greatest story ever lived.

Woman In An Abandoned House

Madam Tiong wore a bedraggled cloth living at a dilapidated house, not far from the town.  It was used to be a home.  That was more than 10 years ago.  People said Madam Tiong was mentally-challenged, others who knew her said she had always been like this.  The house, which she lived was abandoned.  There was nothing but a mattress, few dirty clothes, few pails, some cooking utensils, a fire place for cooking, if she cooked.  She did not live alone; she had a companion.  A white dog, without any given name.  Cute and tiny female dog.  She did very well in protecting her owner though.  She barked at strangers, but she knew the bad from good.  She belonged inside the house.

There was not much in the house.  The door was not locked and it was never locked.  The door was made of a rusty zinc roof.  The stairs were so steep that it could actually be a ladder than a staircase.  The way to the house was to climb up; same thing to go down.  Wooden floor could have seen better days.  Somebody must had steal those woods because some parts of the floor were missing.

Upon entering the house, on the right what used to be a kitchen and a dining room, now filled with all kinds of junks.  Rusty and broken pots, a stove somewhere, plastics, poops.  Part of the walls were already gone.  Up there was a leaking roof.  There was a toilet bowl just in front of the entrance door.  Squatting one.  Not the kind of the bowl with water and flush in it.  This bowl has a hole that looked straight the grass below.  It was not front door after all, it was a bathroom.  The floor looked like it was about to collapse anytime.  There were pictures of her ancestors towards the end of the house.  Could hardly believe the empty space was a living room before.  Inside her bedroom, there were some instant noodles, can food, biscuits, eggs, rice and many other things.  All donated.  There on her bedroom wall, just behind the door was her wedding picture.

Oh yes, she was a married woman.  Her husband got sick a year ago and died.  The house was in fact her husband’s.  Her husband used to work odd jobs and was a lazy man.  The neighbours knew the couple very well and nobody liked them.  They used to steal chicken and vegetables from the neighbours.  Now that the husband had died, they looked on her with pity.  Every day, they allowed her to help harvest their vegetables; in return, she received free meals.  It was a good bargain for her.

Madam Tiong was rather a mysterious woman.  Long time ago, she was a wealthy woman, as people said.  They said she was married twice and had two children of her own.  One she gave up for adoption and one she threw him at the river.  The baby drowned.  Nobody knew why she did that, and the family rejected her ever since.  Nobody knew the authenticity of the story, but people could say anything and believe anything these days.

Madam Tiong lived without water and electricity supply, but she loved to stay there nevertheless.  She did not mind taking her bath at the drain and the body smelled as if she needed a bath real bad.  No, she did not want to go to homes.  She was scared of being bullied.  She said she was being bullied before and she did not want that to happen anymore….

Choosing To Forgive

I guess one of the hardest decisions that a human being could make was to choose to forgive.  Especially those hurts that went too deep, that somehow it went ‘hiding’ deep in your heart.  Because rational came in, and you thought you had forgiven them all along.  Chances are 99.9 per cent you might have not forgiven them.

I had been hurt…once, for many years and I knew it.  It was someone that was very close to me; someone in the family.  I thought I had forgiven her, and the truth was, I had not.  I didn’t even know whether it was even a decision for me to make.  Because it wasn’t me that she was hurting.  It was my family and that in effect, hurting me too.  I just wanted to keep a distance from her.  I was happy when she was not around, miserable when staying with us.  I grew up having no relationship with her, yet she was so close to my heart that it pained me because both of us could not have a right relationship with each other.

She revealed my own brokenness, my own selfishness, my heart of stone.  My own self that I didn’t even know it existed.  She called and called and called I simply ignored her.  I held back all the generosity I had in my heart because I was afraid she might take advantage of me (Not physically, but mentally). Emotionally I was already hurt.  Every time I did that, every time ignored her like that, I hated myself.  I hated her. That went on since I was matured enough to see what really happening in my family.  I stayed like this for many years.

Until finally I looked into my own brokenness – thanks to the grace of God.  You see, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling (though most of the time it would be accompanied with  feeling). It wasn’t a proud moment.  It wasn’t the hallelujah, Praise the Lord kind of moment (though later, it is).  No! The pain became more real.  Immediately, my heart was flooded with so much pain and suddenly, I wasn’t in control of my emotion.  As tears running down and as I fought it hard, I found myself pleaded for forgiveness.

What an interest twist.

What came after that is the result of forgiven someone and being forgiven myself – a lifted burden.  It felt like I am free for the first time.