Do you know what I fear? I am afraid of my pride. It comes in many forms. It comes from being religious, being spiritual, being humble, being knowledgeable, being better than anyone else and etc. I fear that being active in the church would make me a hypocrite. I’ve seen some people who are like that. I even saw it in one of my relatives – such a pompous devoted religious man. So, he acted as a very religious and spiritual man, like he knows everything, all doctrines, the bible and Jesus and all. His approaches on us seem to tell us otherwise, for we felt the superiority in him. Maybe I am just very judging. I don’t know. But truth be told, I think I am no better. I’ve always believe that if I could say these things about him, I am pointing fingers to myself. You know what they say, it runs in the family. But, I hope that it doesn’t runs in me.
I am quite active in the church; joining classes, retreats, talks, joining some church movements and so forth. I learned many things, I enjoyed them but there is a risk of being too proud it. I am very self-conscious, I know that. My whole faith and my life would be blinded by pride. I fear that once I allow my cleverness takes over, my heart would be harden, the less I feel for human compassion. I am very afraid of my pride and I have to admit, I am full of it. Yes, I am aware of that or I would like to believe I am full of it. Modesty forbids, but when I sense pride, I prayed it would be taken away. Ironically, that also could be a pride.
Oh yes! I am struggling. Not sure if I am fighting myself or for something else. I should like to struggle in trying my best to fight for something noble. I want to stand for principles, I think I am lacking it. Though I learned many things, but I don’t have a lot of wisdom. I am at the opinion that if wisdom makes you think other people are stupid then you have no wisdom in you. False wisdom I should say. Pride easily makes you fall in that trap. That I know. And I fall in that trap many times and thus I made a fool of myself many times.
However, just like my relative, I am a religious person but not really a spiritual person. I fail to love every day. I have to stay religious you know, because without God, I don’t know what I should live for. That could also makes me proud you know…to know that I believe in God, that I am a Christian. It is really a complicated feeling. So I pray for humbleness. But then, that itself could also be pride if I am not careful. Shut myself in. Always think that I am not good enough, just being humble, like no one is more humble than me.
I could go on and on and this whole thing could be my pride. I am sure of it and of course I pray it would be taken away. I wish to it to be taken away for I just want to be human. After all, rising and falling and trying are all part of being human.