I guess one of the hardest decisions that a human being could make was to choose to forgive. Especially those hurts that went too deep, that somehow it went ‘hiding’ deep in your heart. Because rational came in, and you thought you had forgiven them all along. Chances are 99.9 per cent you might have not forgiven them.
I had been hurt…once, for many years and I knew it. It was someone that was very close to me; someone in the family. I thought I had forgiven her, and the truth was, I had not. I didn’t even know whether it was even a decision for me to make. Because it wasn’t me that she was hurting. It was my family and that in effect, hurting me too. I just wanted to keep a distance from her. I was happy when she was not around, miserable when staying with us. I grew up having no relationship with her, yet she was so close to my heart that it pained me because both of us could not have a right relationship with each other.
She revealed my own brokenness, my own selfishness, my heart of stone. My own self that I didn’t even know it existed. She called and called and called I simply ignored her. I held back all the generosity I had in my heart because I was afraid she might take advantage of me (Not physically, but mentally). Emotionally I was already hurt. Every time I did that, every time ignored her like that, I hated myself. I hated her. That went on since I was matured enough to see what really happening in my family. I stayed like this for many years.
Until finally I looked into my own brokenness – thanks to the grace of God. You see, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling (though most of the time it would be accompanied with feeling). It wasn’t a proud moment. It wasn’t the hallelujah, Praise the Lord kind of moment (though later, it is). No! The pain became more real. Immediately, my heart was flooded with so much pain and suddenly, I wasn’t in control of my emotion. As tears running down and as I fought it hard, I found myself pleaded for forgiveness.
What an interest twist.
What came after that is the result of forgiven someone and being forgiven myself – a lifted burden. It felt like I am free for the first time.