It was a long night on Sunday Jan 29, 2012.  At 11pm, I was still sitting at the kitchen table facing my laptop screen as always.  I didn’t know what I was doing but it was the only thing I did just to pass my time at night.  I tried to finish the article I was writing but could hardly find any inspiration for at least one sentence.

About an hour ago, I heard something that troubled me that night.  Grandma used up her diapers and she asked mom to buy new packet for her.

With the headphone clasped both my ears, there was no song I was listening.  I wasn’t eavesdropping either, I just heard the conversations behind me.

Mom tried to talk to her about it.  Then I heard grandma said “Expensive? But what choice do we have? I need it.”

“Why don’t you ask your son about it,” mom replied.

Mom had every reason to say that.  Grandma came to stay with us about a week ago and since then, life for the family had changed or at least I know I had.

Anyways, when I heard it, I turned to my back as grandma walked with her walking sticks to the toilet.  Mom was just staring back at me.  It wasn’t an angry or disappointing look, but troubled that tried to say ‘could we afford this?’  It hurt me.  The kind of pain that was hard to put into words.  It was a little bit depressing and angry and anxiety at the same time.

We never buy any adult diapers before, so we did not know how much it cost.  We assumed that it would be expensive, depend on the brand they offered.

I do not know whether the diaper is necessary for her, for as far as I understand, she never use it before.  Her legs are weak, but is still able to walk with the help of walking stick.  Cousin bought the diapers for her just in case she needed to pee in the plane.  Grandma came back to Sibu town to stay with us on Chinese New Year Eve, Jan 22.  She spent most of her life in Kuching with my cousins and uncles and aunties and come back for a short holiday once every few years.

We welcome her back every time, but her heart is never here, with us.  Her heart is always in Kuching.  But nevermind that, because I don’t seem to care anymore.  I loved her.  She’s my grandma, though her heart was not with us, but yes, I do love her.

Dad said she might have changed a little.  Changed for the better.  I really hoped that and I prayed for it too.

And so, with a trouble heart, I lay down on my bed that night and as I closed my eyes, I asked the Lord to help us.

The next morning after breakfast, sister, mother and I, went shopping for the diapers.  We went to a supermarket, which we thought might offer cheaper price for the diapers.  We found it and it cost less than we had expected.  There was no brand whatsoever, but we bought it anyways, see if grandma liked it or not.

She would complain if she didn’t like it.

I thanked the Lord for it.  For every time there is difficult time, He always come to the rescue.  And also, I finally realized how important to really open my heart for someone.  Someone like my grandma.  Though she could be quite nasty, I think she still care for us.  Not once, she say something positive about us, or give us credit for whatever we’ve done for her, especially what my parents done for her, which really angers me sometimes.

But when I looked at her, I saw an old sad woman.  I think everyone in the family could see that, but nobody knows how to comfort her, for her grumpiness and complaints cause us to shun away from her.  It had been like this for years and it got worst in a recently.

Everyday, we prayed for understanding and patience.  Grandma is in her 80s right now.  She would not be with us for long.  I think everybody in my family was trying to make a mend.  Hopefully everything would turn out for the better.