The Forest

I liked forest very much but scared of it. The serenity sometimes gave me chills. The quietness, the touch of breezes, the music as the birds sang above me and distance away made my heart race. People said you shouldn’t talk in the forest, or else you would be hunted by something you cannot see. Whether true or not, better take precaution.

“Why are you always looking at the streams?” Grace suddenly asked me. I didn’t expect to be asked that way. Yes, I had looked for streams throughout the journey. The sight of those glassy and graceful flowing waters or sometimes just dead calm, they were just fascinating. What would a forest be without streams? I think it would be like a body without the heart. Dead. Or a person without a soul; dead to everything around you. Streams give life to creatures; they make the trees, the grass, the plants grow big and beautiful. They give relief to animals; quenching their thirst and cool them down from the heat of the summer’s sun. They make the forest a forest.

“Oh, I did?” I replied.

“Yeah,”

“I just love them.” It was the only answer I could give her. I forgot that Grace was a very observant person. She picked up small details, details that I might have missed, but she picked them up. She had great empathy, no wonder she was an award-winning journalist.

couldn’t be like her. I lose focus easily. I wondered how does it feel like to be in the forest 40 or 50 years ago? I was not born at the time, but I bet they were very thick and the streams were roaring. The forests were teeming with life! My parents used to tell me that they used to bathe in the river. Bath at the river?? Ewww… I mean… why would you wanna do that? That is just gross! Bath at that muddy river..yuck!

“No…honey…the water was very clean during my time. It is brown now… but my time… it was clear..you could see your feet! We took our soap, our towel..extra shirt and just bath there.” My mother used to say that.

I missed that! The people of my generation missed it! What a pity! My grandparents used to see wild boars in the forests, they were everywhere. They knew the hornbill had come as they listened to that majestic sound of wing flapping, as that big bird flying overhead. They listened to birds singing in the dawn chorus. Forests were once a home, now, it seems foreign. In my place, There were people still keeping in touch with nature, for them, it was still their home, for me, it was a getaway. My job allowed me to visit such places, but as I looked around me as I walked through that thick forest and I watched that stream, I asked myself, how long will it last?

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Gone Chances

I meant to write this three years ago.  My grandmother passed away that year, how I regretted many things.

I thought there were plenty of times for everything. Plenty of times to make out the time we had lost due to differences, misunderstanding, pain, anger, and lies. Plenty of time to get to know and to understand her – maybe her pain as well. I thought I had plenty of time to make new memories with her too – forgetting all brokenness due to anger and lies. I did not know that it could happen so soon. In fact, too soon.

Three years ago in August, grandma came home to stay with us for good.  She had been sick; pale, weak and very thin.  I didn’t expect her to see her at this state.  I wasn’t too happy about her coming back, but I knew it was about time to make out for the lost time.  Just seven months ago, I made that decision to forgive her. It wasn’t the hardest decision I made, but it was the most painful one. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life hating her, I wanted to love her, because she deserved to be loved, just as I deserved to be loved.

My grandmother and I shared the same name.  Elizabeth.  That was her baptism name, and my confirmation name.  Other than that, we shared nothing in common.  From what I know little about grandmother, she lived a hard life, and most of the time a painful one. I didn’t know when was the time she was really happy, probably she never did.  Her past was the reason of her brokenness, her brokenness was the reason of my anger.  She was never the grandmother I wish to have.  I wanted a loving grandmother, not a broken one.  I thought she had never loved us.

But, grandmother, she wanted everyone to be happy but I did not know whether she wanted happiness herself.  Dad made effort to give the happiness she deserved.  I tried, but failed.  Barely two months since she moved in with us, she passed away and we were left in disbelief. I thought maybe we could have another few years. After all, she was a strong person.  Dad had a great dream for her.  To move in our new house that Dad built himself; from his own money.  That did not came true.  And grandmother knew it all along, and it was the first time, I believed she was proud of us.

In her passing, I realised she did love us.  I was too blind to see and to understand it.

Hatred and Revenge

The worst thing that could have ever happened to someone is probably losing one’s dignity.  The worst thing that someone could have done is probably crushing somebody’s dignity.  It was bad enough for her to be handcuffed, it was bad enough for her not to be able to see his little boy, it was bad enough for her to listen to the accusation against her everyday.  She could not really decide what was the worst thing for her; to be rejected or to listen to the piercing harassment against her.  She could not lift up her face to see the people who were once her family, now an enemy.  What has hatred and revenge ever accomplished? Will it ever satisfy your souls?

The Story Of My Pride

Do you know what I fear? I am afraid of my pride.  It comes in many forms.  It comes from being religious, being spiritual, being humble, being knowledgeable, being better than anyone else and etc.  I fear that being active in the church would make me a hypocrite.  I’ve seen some people who are like that.  I even saw it in one of my relatives – such a pompous devoted religious man.  So, he acted as a very religious and spiritual man, like he knows everything, all doctrines, the bible and Jesus and all.  His approaches on us seem to tell us otherwise, for we felt the superiority in him.  Maybe I am just very judging.  I don’t know.  But truth be told, I think I am no better.  I’ve always believe that if I could say these things about him, I am pointing fingers to myself.  You know what they say, it runs in the family.  But, I hope that it doesn’t runs in me.

I am quite active in the church; joining classes, retreats, talks, joining some church movements and so forth.  I learned many things, I enjoyed them but there is a risk of being too proud it.  I am very self-conscious, I know that.  My whole faith and my life would be blinded by pride.  I fear that once I allow my cleverness takes over, my heart would be harden, the less I feel for human compassion.  I am very afraid of my pride and I have to admit, I am full of it.  Yes, I am aware of that or I would like to believe I am full of it.  Modesty forbids, but when I sense pride, I prayed it would be taken away.  Ironically, that also could be a pride.

Oh yes! I am struggling.  Not sure if I am fighting myself or for something else.  I should like to struggle in trying my best to fight for something noble.  I want to stand for principles, I think I am lacking it.  Though I learned many things, but I don’t have a lot of wisdom.  I am at the opinion that if wisdom makes you think other people are stupid then you have no wisdom in you.  False wisdom I should say.  Pride easily makes you fall in that trap.  That I know.  And I fall in that trap many times and thus I made a fool of myself many times.

However, just like my relative, I am a religious person but not really a spiritual person.  I fail to love every day.  I have to stay religious you know, because without God, I don’t know what I should live for.  That could also makes me proud you know…to know that I believe in God, that I am a Christian.  It is really a complicated feeling.  So I pray for humbleness.  But then, that itself could also be pride if I am not careful.  Shut myself in.  Always think that I am not good enough, just being humble, like no one is more humble than me.

I could go on and on and this whole thing could be my pride.  I am sure of it and of course I pray it would be taken away.  I wish to it to be taken away for I just want to be human.  After all, rising and falling and trying are all part of being human.

My Adventure

All of us have different likes, different opinions, different ways of doing things.  For example ‘you like sushi, I love hamburgers’, or ‘you like to travel, I like to stay at home’, ‘you like football, I like tennis’.  But I think we found a common ground on one thing.  ‘We want a life of an adventure’.  Everyone wants to have a thrill of adventure in their lives.

Then, you ask yourself.  Do I have it?  Is my life exciting.

A lot of people thought that being a reporter is a glamourous job.  Obviously, they watched too much television.  On average, most of our everyday living will probably look like this:

Wake up. Go to work.  Go home.  Dinner.  Sleep…repeat.

Wake up.  Go to work.  Go home.  Dinner. Sleep…and we repeat the same thing the next day…and the next day…and the next day…and the next day…

Basically, I am like you.  The difference is that I do not have a fixed working hour and I involved in church’s activities and other outside activities…that made life a little bit difficult.  Despite all the busyness in my life, and some dry moments of course, I learned to live to be alive.  It is not about cozen yourself into wishful thinking, but there is no greater adventure than being a human being fully alive!  To achieve what we want to achieve, to pursue our goals and learn to labour and to wait patiently.

Autumn Girl enjoying nature on the field. Beauty Girl Outdoors r

I learned that adventure is not about living with certainties, straight path, clear answers; like an engineer with probabilities.  No, it is a step into an unknown path that opens up to all possibilities.  Like a traveler who never planned his journey, but excited just to do it.  Adventure sets your spirit on fire that illuminates your life.  If you felt that you have a mundane life, or may so many frustration and disappointment, find your adventure in your everyday living because if you can’t find it in your life, you cannot find it in anywhere else.

It is also means to open yourself up to all human experience – happiness, sadness, disappointment, anger, fear, anxiety…It is only through embracing your weaknesses or problems or your fear that you are able to live up to your potential.  Because then, you begin to realise how beautiful is this world.

I learned a story about Amy Purdy.  She lost both her legs 1999 after contracting bacterial meningitis.  When she tried her new legs for the first time, it was too painful and she wondered if she could every walk again.  She was physically and emotionally broken.  Then one day, she heard something on the radio, she stood up and dance with her father.  Then she thought to herself ‘If I can dance, I can walk, if I can walk, I can snowboarding..I can live a great life’

In 2014, she competed and won a bronze medal in snowboarding in the Paralympic Games.  She won the hearts of millions of viewers when she got into the finals of dancing with the stars.

She asked herself one day: ‘If my life were a book and I am the author, how would I want the story to go?’ That question changed her life forever.

When I heard it, I took some times to reflect on it….and I realised I wanted my life to be a story that only I can tell.

I was never comfortable in meeting people, but I stepped into the unknown to become a reporter and I met many people and heard many stories.  I thought, there I know how to craft stories…this is my life now…this is what i am going to do for the rest of my life.  Then, I guess life seems to tell me otherwise…it says…no…no..no..that is just the beginning.  Your true and greatest adventure has yet to come.  Then, I decided to step into the dark again, holding on to all possibilities.  For a girl who had never speak up in her life decided to walk into that door (Toastmasters) and stood in front of the audience for the first time.  I realised, my greatest adventure has just begun!

joyyettocome

All these time, I’ve been writing the voice of other people and now for the first time I am learning to find my own voice.

So, if your life were a book and you were the author, how would you want the story to go?